Where and how to find tactility, sex, understanding? ⇐ General

[Anonymous]

Hello. A little question, a little cry from the heart (whining, if you want)
I had my first intimate experience very late. 25+ years. I’m ashamed... Although I dreamed about it like everyone else, probably since I was 14. I had fantasies and watching porn... But I was so withdrawn, unsure of myself, considered myself unworthy... I was also an idealist. I was looking for a relationship for life. Now I would also like to find a person for life, but I would not like to start with this. And with ease.
After the first sex, on the one hand, I received wings, incredible pleasure. On the other hand there is pain. I have always believed that intimacy, and simply tactility, contemplation of a girl is an incredible pleasure. And when I received this, I was even more convinced. This is true. But when this is not there... It is horror, it is torment, primarily moral. I am a kinesthetic person, I have a strong tactile hunger. Even just caressing a girl, giving her a foot massage is super... And every day I think about it. This darkness..
There was a relationship, but it didn’t work out. But how they raised self-esteem, how much pleasant it was.
I was looking for another relationship, a serious one. Have not found. I decided to find something easy. A girl who also just wants intimate life and affection (and prospects later), who is in the dark without this. But it's even more difficult. People make things very complicated, for the most part. Or they themselves don’t know what they want. Or sheer hypocrisy. And sometimes there was simply tactile and intimate incompatibility.
I don’t want to use someone. Why is it so difficult to give warmth to each other, because we both need it?
Now my self-esteem is again like that of a timid 20-year-old guy. Although I am already 35 years old. But I haven’t received female warmth for 1.5 years. I am overwhelmed by the thought that not only will I not make up for lost time, but I will also not get anything more.
Probably my problem is that I am a soft, homely, introverted person. I'm outspoken, but I'm not one to take my own. I need to be given confidence that they want me, even initiative. It would be cool even with an older woman, although that doesn’t matter. What is more important is this compatibility.
I read this forum, topics. People here have a hectic life, they feel good, the girls show off their beauty and fantasies. I’m happy for them, but how sad it is that I don’t have this.. It seems to me that I have no place here because of my position.
I don’t know how to find sex and tactility, affection. If I were fabulously rich, this would be possible to get for money. But this is not the case, because you want sincerity.
It seems like St. Petersburg, where I live, is a populated city. But I couldn’t find anything... I went to the chpoking site, but there were 2.5 people sitting there. A lot of commerce and frankly strange people... Going to bars and clubs to “take pictures”. No, that's not it. Terrible atmosphere there for me. In general, I understand that it is my own fault. That he has not learned to get what he wants, is apparently underdeveloped in this regard.
Sometimes, I would like to lose all my sensitivity, all my need, not to suffer and not to need anyone or anything. On the other hand, what meaning will there be in life?
My tactile hunger cannot be drowned out by activities and hobbies. It gets worse over the years.
Maybe there is some obvious tip, advice on where to find sex, simple, sincere, cozy communication and affection... But I’m used to not waiting for understanding. Nobody is obliged to understand me.